Being as a person that is currently learning what i’m consider as an “accidental passion”, which is graphic design, as i don’t actually wanted to learn this at first place, but ended up liking it, but since i chose the “wrong” major while looking for a school to apply, yet i still don’t have a single life changing skill in my life. yet, and im 17 years late to do it, and the worst part is, i dont know what to write after this. Add that with not being able to understand (some long and even short) conversations, and also not able to speak at others without feeling that someone is looking at me, probably and usually making fun of myself. As a person from a struggling third country, there must be a solution. How am i in this body??

Also my hopes/passion of being just an average programmer is still not achived yet, as my profile states (trying to be a webdev). And yet, i still dont know how to apply them to real world situations. Heck, i still don’t know much how to deal with responsive design. It’s just that (quite) painful to use. Thankfully cheatsheets exist for situations like this, but some still dont help much (e.g some JavaScript cheatsheets) because i still dont know about the fundamentals yet. Even worse, some of the books i found off the internet just doesn’t help much because they expect you to have fundemantals in programming. Only serious thing that i made was just an webpage to test cursor types, and nothing after that.

Also for C++ programmers out there, are they really that hard? I tried to make just a simple “enter a number” program solely with the aformentioned language, and it was an experience, maybe my cheap brain isn’t just made for these stuff.

Just looking at a single C/C++ source code itself alone makes me want to rm -rf myself at that point, it’s just too complex. Or maybe not as complex as i thought because i’m just too young to understand it. Who knows i guess.

Even something simple as handwriting is also as hard as learing Malbourge as a main programming language, at least drawing isnt as painful as that. But i still wonder how could someone have such time to make such detailed art piece like what i usually found off the internet?? Even myself tried to learn about just drawing, although the result is still not as great as to what others could make, i think i should just keep practising more often.

How could someone experience the outside world that open, could experience such life changing event that would affect his/her life, yet myself locked in this struggling country that has an minimum wage below average of probably worser compared to other countries. (this seems to pessimistic (?))

Also, i wanted to write something at this paragraph, and i just somehow forgot about it, making me ditch the idea off the lake because of short term memory loss, after just wanting to lay down on a bed, as im writing this while the clock is about to hit 4 AM.

Clearly, this post might be nonsense to most people, but at least i get a space so that i can let out my thoughts that was lingering inside of my mind since the past few years.

After all, if someone could do it either, why don’t you learn it either?

This probably wont apply much to me, as i’m just sometimes an awful lazy person, and add that with the social enviorment around not supporting me, basically what you don’t want in your life.

Maybe i was born to know something, something that i need to know in the future, only time will tell.

Maybe God only knows at this point. I hope someone could notice this venting just once in my lifetime.

Also, thanks for taking the time for reading this lengthy vent post, this was just some random thought i had just after waking up at 3 AM, and if you want to comment about what i wrote or your opinion about this post, feel free to write about it below.

Only if i learn’t about those since i was at a young age, i probably wont write this at all. But here we are.